Last week the question was asked in jail “Stand up if you grew up without your dad” and roughly 90% of the room stood up. Then it was asked “How many of you have kids” and the same gentlemen stood up plus a few others. There was 50 men in that room, and almost all of them stood up when asked those two questions. Including volunteers…
I grew up without my dad. I also walked away from my kids when they were really young. There is nothing I have ever regretted as much as I have with leaving my kids with their moms. Mentally it destroyed me. Life wasnt worth living. Every night I went to bed with terrors that consumed my mind. Sleep was something that others got to have, but not me. Night was meant for morbid reflection for the wicked person that I was. Over and over every single night I would try and come up with ways to make my life better, but would get overwhelmed with shame and guilt and saw no way out of the quicksand. Hope cant be forced. What would I do anyway? I’d just ruin everything, again. Whats the use? I’m worthless. They are better off without me. I’m a piece of shit. I wish they had met someone else that day.
Now, imagine having this everyday while your in jail. Locked up, physically and mentally. Days, weeks, months, years. Living the same shame over and over. Thinking about that one time your kid came to visit. Touching palms on the pane of glass. Tears. Mom is overwhelmed with going to school full time, working full time and now pulling mommy and daddy duty. Making promises to her that it will get better, but knowing deep to your core its not going to be. Watching them leave as you return to your cell. Wishing you could just hold them one more time. More shame. More guilt. More lock down. Sleepless nights.
When I was in third grade, my dad was still around. Somehow he got sober, and stayed that way for some time. He met a guy who had been in his shoes before. His mentor, Chuck. My dad ran with him everywhere and did everything. It seem at times my dad was always gone, but there was a difference. He was happy when he came home, and played with us. We wrestled on the living room floor. He never let us win, ever. Feelings of security, protection and inclusion.
One day my mom came and picked my brother and I up and we went to a church. It was weird because we never went to church during the day. It was always at night when my dad had a meeting with his sober buddies. When we walked in I was expected the normal loud, charismatic crowd, but it was quiet. It was a funeral. Chuck died.
I walked up to my dad and we locked eyes. His were watery. At that moment, my dad was real. I could feel his fear and pain. He held out his arms to pull me in, and as soon as we connected, he cried. He cried like no one was standing in the room. I cried. We cried together.
For the longest time, I never knew why I cried. I didn’t even know Chuck.
The other night when we were in the jail, it was that moment when all the men stood up to answer the questions that I knew why I cried. It wasnt because my dad was weak. It wasnt because my dad showed emotion. I wasnt because my dad broke his image of being a tough guy. It was because we all long for love, purpose and meaning. Moms and dads provide that, when one is missing, we never really feel filled. It wasnt until my kids were back in my life that I understood how much we all need each other.
At F5 Project we have no affiliations with any religion or spiritual organization. Our goal is for you to find your spot. The spot where you can learn to receive security, protection and inclusion, so that one day you can grant it to others, especially our kids. If you believe you can find that in church or any other spiritual means, treatment, recovery or whatever. Our goal is to get you connected and not go back to jail or live in shelters. But to live a life you want to live. For me, that meant to be the dad that I wanted to be, not the one I learned how to be on my own. Even though Chuck died, his memory of what he did for my dad will always live.
If you are interested in hearing more about F5 Project, volunteer opportunities, creating new ways to helping those coming out of jail into our community, show up here F5 Project Breakfast
